What have I just watched? Dear God! What have I just watched?! Unfortunately I’ve seen David DeCoteau’s Ring of Darkness and Leeches, so I expected the film to be absolutely terrible and filled with near male nudity; but the original scream queens – Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley, and Michelle Bauer – are in it! That has to make it somewhat salvageable, right? Wrong! It’s crap! Absolute crap! The only reason I’m writing a review is because I paid $1.07 for it to rent from Redbox. So here we go!
1313: Cougar Cult follows… Ok, the plot is virtually non-existent here, so I’ll just paste the summary from IMDB. “Rufus, Darwin, and Coopersmith are three nerdy, but hunky young college students who score themselves a dream summer job working at a swanky mansion owned by wealthy and sexy middle-aged babes Clara, Victoria, and Edwina. However, the gals turn out to be a coven of deadly witches who transform into flesh-eating cougars who need fresh young man meat in order to live forever.”
Obviously, David DeCoteau movies are filled with tons of near male nudity. And to each his/her own. While I don’t particularly enjoy watching men walk around in tighty-whities for minutes at a time, I can only imagine what David DeCoteau truly thinks of his audience. Within two minutes of the opening credits, the pool boy is already naked and in the shower, washing the same exact spot on his abs for minutes at a time. Things like this happen almost every seven minutes. Is this softcore porn or a movie, David? These movies are made almost exclusively for a gay male audience, but I can’t help but feel that David DeCoteau thinks they’re stupid. “Let me throw a million naked guys in the shower with no plot, the gays will eat it up!”
1313: Cougar Cult is also terribly made. When people are killed, literally eaten by cougars, there is no blood, not a single fucking drop. Oh, and the cougars, yeah, it’s the three scream queens as themselves and a cougar graphic literally pasted over their faces with a motion on it so it moves with them. Just awful! With 20+ years in the industry, you’d think David Decoteau and Rapid Heart Pictures could get together a crew and post-production team to really put a decent movie together. There isn’t even anything to film. The whole movie was probably shot in two days, if that. The whole movie is B-roll – a slow motion shot of them walking, a guy rubbing his abs in bed, Linnea rubbing herself in the mirror, a long shower scene, slow motion walking away. Honestly, if you took out all the montages and B-roll you’d have a short film about twenty minutes long.
And twenty minutes is as long as it took me to finally turn off this piece of garbage. The second “horror” movie in my lifetime I couldn’t make it to the end. Just a complete waste of time. Listen, I understand Linnea, Brinke, and Michelle probably took the job because A) it paid, B) it was a chance to work together again, and C) it’s provocative, but come on, girls! You three are icons in the horror world, have some self-respect! I love you three and you are all so talented, but garbage like this only lowers yourself. Now, if you want to see a great film with these three lovely ladies, I suggest buying a copy of Screaming In High Heels: The Rise & Fall of the Scream Queen Era. Save the money you would have spent on Cougar Cult, and buy Screaming In High Heels instead.
