Anything with the name Stephen King attached to it is usually cinematic gold or at least really, really creepy. King wrote a short story which was made into a short film Disciples of The Crow in 1983 and later remade into the cult classic Children of The Corn in 1984. These pictures were all successful to some extent and created a horror film franchise that would last 17 years, until 2001. Inevitably, the Children of The Corn remake happened in the age of unneeded horror remakes…and here we are. *sighs*
Children of The Corn (2009) is written, produced, and directed by Donald P. Borchers. Donald also worked on the original film in 1984. This movie stars David Anders (“Once Upon A Time,” “The Vampire Diaries”), Kandyse McClure (Carrie remake, Mother’s Day remake), Daniel Newman (Road Trip: Beer Pong), Preston Bailey (The Crazies remake, “Dexter”), Jake White, Alexa Nikolas (“Zoey101,” Red State), and Paul Butler (“Young Tate” on “American Horror Story”).
Ok, here’s the easiest way I can describe this remake. It’s pretty much like watching softcore porn. It starts off well enough, but then it never really goes anywhere, and ends abruptly with no gratification. It builds towards suspense, then stops. It builds towards some gore, then stops. It builds towards entertainment, then stops. The first half hour is just decent and sets the story in motion. Literally the whole last half of the movie is the main character wandering through the corn field. No, not being chased or attacked, just wandering through the corn field…alone. But at least he’s having Vietnam flashbacks that…really don’t serve a purpose. Then the movie just ends. No dramatic showdown, no creep factor, no twisted ending.
Now on to the performances… What… the… fuck? “Vicky” played by Kandyse McClure has to be one of the most obnoxious and impossible to like women in horror of all time. All of her lines in this movie contain digs and insults at her husband, who she seems to pick on for no reason at every chance. “Babe, can you look at the map and tell me if we’re on the right road?” Vicky: “You know I don’t like to move when I’m in the car! You stupid bastard! I hate you! I want a divorce! You’re a former drug addict! I hope people kill you with corn!” I just don’t even understand why Mr. Borchers would write a character like that. From the moment she opened her mouth to take a breath, I wanted her to die slowly and violently. And, come on, she’s a bitch, and the only black female in a town full of fundamentally crazy hick children. I was waiting for it! Also, Paul Butler plays a semi-important part in a subplot, which is cool, but he is given a pretty decent anecdote to convey and he’s like…three. Who made the choice to burden the toddler with such a role?
There isn’t really anything positive to say for this movie, except that it was filmed pretty well and some of the actors did a swell job. That’s really about it. I wouldn’t recommend this remake to anyone because it contains nothing but unfulfilled promises. I don’t even really think you can call this a horror movie. What did I just watch? Seriously…
