August is National Water Quality Month. During August it is recommended that people be conscious of the amount of water that they use and how much of the world’s water is polluted and unsafe to drink. What is not thought of in this awareness campaign is the impact on wildlife, in particular, the beavers. So in their honor and for Water Quality Month, this week’s movie selection is…Zombeavers.
The Movie
Zombeavers opens with two half-witted truckers, Joseph and Luke, transporting a load of toxic chemicals. Instead of focusing on their load, the two are far more interested in discussing their sexual misadventures. Luke and Joseph are kind of perverted and the talk gets raunchy enough so that Luke attempts to change the subject. His alternative- nope still not the chemicals they are transporting- is to tell Joseph about how he is no longer allowed to shit at his friend’s house. You see the problem is not necessarily that Luke has a smelly ass as that Luke shit on his friend’s table. After that story, Joseph needs a distraction from his coworker and decides to start texting while driving. Completely distracted by his poor texting skills, Joseph is not watching the road, though he insists he is and slams into a deer. The collision frees a barrel of waste. The barrel floats through a river finally coming to rest at a beaver dam. The barrel bursts spraying its noxious, gooey, green contents all over the beavers.
We now meet Jen who is doing her makeup in a gas station restroom and moping over her cheating boyfriend, Sam. Jen is interrupted by a potential Prince Charming who’s “gotta take shit” and who makes sure to leer lustfully at Jen as she leaves. Jen rejoins her friends Mary, the nerdy girl with the Velma look, and Zoe, the smart-mouthed rude girl and Zoe’s dog.They are on their way to a girl’s weekend at a lake to help Jen get over her dirtbag boyfriend. We know the girls are cool because they do tongue twisters and look at dick pics while listening to some of the worst music ever recorded. Fortunately for our ears, the girls arrive at their destination, a crappy looking lake in the town of Ashwood. Wait, the lake now looks beautiful and, oh nevermind, back to the shitty pond. As they are unpacking, they meet the lady who lives next door, Mrs. Gregorson. As they talk, we learn that Zoe is has a gift for talking with old ladies. Mrs. Gregorson opens up to the girls about her own daughter who is very sexually promiscuous “a real whore” and “not that attractive.” The girls manage to break away from the conversation and head into their cabin only to encounter the most horrific thing they’ve ever encountered. The cabin has no cell service or wifi. The girls are traumatized but manage to overcome the hardship and go out to the lake to swim. Of course, Zoe decides she needs to take her top off to swim with her two friends and runs into the lake topless. The girls swim to a raft and are lounging when Jen sees a beaver dam She convinces her friends to go with her to look in the hope of seeing a beaver but alas there are no beavers to be found but there is an angry bear. A hunter named Smith scares the bear off and introduces himself as Smyth “with a Y”. He asks the girls what they were doing there in the first place and Jen tells Him that they were “looking for beavers.” Smyth, knowing a good set up when he hears one, replies “Hell, ain’t we all.”
After an eventful afternoon, the girls return to the cabin for an exciting night of drinking and truth or dare. As Mary and Jen are about to kiss, they are interrupted by a noise. It turns out Zoe had invited the boyfriends, including cheating Sam, to girl’s weekend. After convincing the girls to let them stay, Zoe, and her boyfriend Buck and Mary and hers Tommy, go off to participate in mating rituals leaving Jen and Sam to talk. Sam seems to think that he’ll soon be engaging in the ritual but that dream ends with an emphatic knee to the balls. Jen goes to take a shower but even that goes wrong as there is an angry beaver already in the shower. Jen runs to get help but by the time they return the beaver seems to have left. Suddenly, the beaver jumps out of a cabinet but Tommy beats it to death, bagged and thrown on the porch. After the excitement, an orgy is proposed but does not occur.
The next day, they gang discovers the bag, empty but are undeterred and go to swim in the lake. Jen, after her beaver encounter, is not eager to get in the lake as her friends swim out to the raft. She is finally coerced into stepping into the lake when something brushes past her leg. Then Buck is attacked by a beaver and loses a foot. Her friends are trapped on the raft so Jen runs to the cabin to use the landline but the beavers have eaten the wires and is attacked by a beaver while her friends are set upon by more beavers. Sam, the heroic dirtbag that he is devises an escape plan. He throws Zoe’s dog into the water to distract the beavers and the kids are able to reach the relative safety of the cabin which is soon surrounded by beavers. Trapped and panicked, the kids do not manage to rally together, instead Zoe reveals that Sam cheated on Jen with Mary. Sam, continuing on his heroic arc, snaps and tears the head off the beaver Jen fought and throws it outside to the other beavers, a gesture that is sure to calm them. Tommy decides that he needs to take Buck and go get help (Oh, look hospitals before revenge. Someone is learning!) and Zoe goes with them. Mrs. Gregorson hears the commotion from next door and tries to convince her husband to go see if the girls need help. Mr Gregorson is unconcerned and assumes that it is just the girls “scissoring to Lady Gaga.” Tommy, Zoe and Buck have made it to a car and are speeding for help. Buck, in and out of consciousness, tells Zoe that he has regrets about his DJ Khalid-esque love life but he is sensitive to smells. There escape attempt is thwarted when they reach a downed tree across the road and then beavers drop a tree on Tommy. Once again, Smyth comes to the rescue saving Buck and Zoe but has no choice but to bring them back. Smyth tells Zoe about a major outbreak of beaver fever in the area during the 70s. Back at the cabin, things are really going to shit and Sam channels his inner John McClane saying “Come out to the lake. Have a few laughs.” but he is clearly useless in a crisis and he watches as the girls board the house. The situation is especially tense since Sam is still hot for Mary and Jen and Jen is still mad. Mary tries to ease the tension telling Jen that she has every right to hate her and Sam but the can’t turn against one another because “that’s what the beavers want.” From there things only get worse. Who lives? Who becomes a Zombeaver person? Who picks the worst time possible to fool around? You’ll have to watch Zombeavers to find out. Know that if you don’t, you’ll miss out on Zombeaver whack-a-mole and Sam continuing to lose his head.
How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
Zombeavers details the risks of unclean water. Not only is it unsafe to drink but it can spawn outbreaks of killer beavers. The only way to prevent future incidents like this is to keep our water supplies clean and uncontaminated.
Lessons
- If your friend shits on your table, it is entirely acceptable to forbid him from shitting at your house ever again. In fact, you may not want to let him in your house at all. Maybe just hang out at a bar with that friend.
- Swimming in a lake is just like swimming in a pool. Zoe imparts these words of wisdom and they could not be truer.
- Don’t swim in lakes and oceans. Besides Zombeavers, there are any other aquatic lifeforms that could attack you. Even if nothing attacks you, it’s still just a giant fish toilet.
- Beavers can tunnel and they like to chew on shit. This knowledge may save your life during future beaver fever and Zombeaver outbreaks.
