WARNING: As with all of my TV Recaps, this will contain major spoilers for the episode! Do not read if you’re planning on watching this show for yourself in the future!
We pick up the following morning after the screams of the pledges buried neck deep in Kappa Kappa Tau’s front yard alerted bystanders that Deaf Taylor Swift was just beheaded by a lawnmower. There’s police, detectives and news reporters everywhere. School Dean Cathy Munch (Jamie Lee Curtis) is walking to the scene of the crime and we hear her inner thoughts as she stampedes through the crowds. “College deans used to have real power. University was a kingdom to itself. The dean could keep the press quiet if a student was murdered.” She stops, briefly, to talk with a reporter and puts on a fake, cheery attitude and assures everyone that a student was only injured, class is resuming and frozen yogurt is back at the dining hall. Unfortunately, students had already Instagrammed pictures of the crime scene with captions like, “It could have been me!” People are calling Cathy the Dean of Murder University, but she vows, “Not on my watch.”
In the next scene, Cathy Munch, GiGi Caldwell and a detective have gathered all the Kappa sisters and pledges into the living room of the sorority mansion. The detective wonders where Chanel #3 and Ms. Bean have disappeared to and Chanel Oberlin (Emma Roberts) says how it’s very suspicious that they’ve gone missing right after Deaf Taylor Swift was murdered. Cathy says that everyone in the room is technically a suspect and that no one is allowed to leave campus until they’ve all been thoroughly interviewed and questions. Some of the girls want to leave, but Cathy warns that they’ll be graded whether they’re on campus or not, meaning if they flee home for any reason, they’ll fail out of college the first semester as their absence will not be excused. GiGi says that it’s better that they stay together, anyway, because someone is targeting them and will find them no matter what location they stay at. It’s like an episode of “Friends,” except someone is trying to murder all of the cast members.
It’s decided: the pledges have to move into the house, despite Chanel #5 (Abigail Breslin) freaking out about it. With this plot twist in mind, Chanel Oberlin says that any Kappa pledge that dies saving a sister will automatically skip through the rest of Hell Week. Mac… or Butch… or Something doesn’t want a bodyguard because she says it perpetuates violence against women. GiGi tells her not to worry, she already has it covered. Upstairs, The Chanels are brainstorming how to get rid of Chanel #3’s body, which is still dead on the floor of her bedroom. Chanel #5 suggests feeding it to pigs and Chanel #2 suggests throwing the body in a poop lagoon on a dairy farm. Hester (Lea Michelle) pops up out of no where and suggests that they deconstruct the body by getting rid of all ways to identify the body and then putting it through a meat grinder. Instead, they decide to hide the body in the meat locker, but not before Hester tells them they need to touch Chanel #3’s body so she won’t haunt their dreams, they need to close her eyes so she doesn’t take one of them with her, and they need to leave the door open so her soul can escape. Then she asks if she can call The Chanels “Mom.” Chanel Oberlin says no, that would be too confusing, despite the fact that she names everyone Chanel.
The following morning the girls meet Officer Hemphill (played by Niecy Nash of “The Mindy Project” and “Reno 911”). Officer Hemphill is only a security guard who only carries a night stick, pepper spray and a walkie talkie. Apparently, GiGi found her using the yellow pages of the phone book, although none of the girls know what that is. Officer Hemphill has a three step plan to keep the girls safe. Step 1: If they’re in danger, scream until she comes running. Step 2: If she’s not on the premises, call a 1-866 number that will transfer a signal to her walkie talkie. Step 3: If they can’t get through, just get the Hell out of there. Later, the girls are scrubbing the floor and complaining that they wouldn’t need to scrub it if Chanel Oberlin didn’t accidently burn Ms. Bean to death. Chanel Oberlin chews Zayday (KeKe Palmer) out for not having enough soap in her bucket, but Grace goes downstairs instead to fetch the extra soap. While in the basement Grace discovers a secret, locked door behind some boxes, but Chanel #5 warns her to come upstairs before she can snoop more.
Sometime later, Grace tells Pete about the secret door in the basement and he says he’s heard rumors about it and can’t believe it’s real. Grace and Pete share a kiss, but I don’t think anyone really cares about that. Meanwhile, Cathy Munch is talking to Grace’s dad, Wes, in her office because he wants to take Grace home or have her live off campus where he can watch her. Cathy doesn’t want him to take Grace away because she’s safer at school, surrounded by friends during the day and staying at a sorority house with an armed guard at night. Cathy also somehow guarantees Wes that Grace is not a target. They begin flirting, but Wes ends it by asking for a job on campus so that he can monitor Grace more closely. Someone needs to watch over Grace because she’s currently breaking into the secret Kappa room. Inside she finds the bloody bathtub, the dead sister’s bloody clothes and the mix CD with ‘Waterfalls’ from 1995. Chanel Oberlin catches her and tells her what happens and even lets it slip that Cathy Much and and Ms. Bean helped cover it all up. Grace is left wondering, “What happened to the baby?”
That night Chanel Oberlin and Chad Radwell are having awkward talk sex with him saying strange things. Chanel makes him stop and says she wants a real boyfriend and she can’t believe she wasted so much time with him…and then proceeds to break up with him. Chad vows that she’s going to be sorry before leaving. Chad goes back to the dorm and wakes up his roommate and best friend, Boone (Nick Jonas). He tells Boone that Chanel broke up with him and Boone says not to worry, she’ll want him back as soon as she realizes what she did. After turning out the light, Boone divulges that he’s scared with a killer on the loose on campus and asks if he can sleep in bed with Chad. The audience finds out that Boone is gay because during a thunderstorm he tried the same tactic and ended up feeling up Chad’s dick. Chad thinks it over, warns Boone not to touch him and says that two men sharing a bed isn’t gay because they’re bros. Boone is the big spoon and the duo settle in for a good night’s sleep. Chanel is right outside the door, though, seemingly regretting her decision to break up with Chad immediately after he left. She barges in and finds then men cuddling, with Boone having a huge boner. Chad tells Chanel not to tell anyone Boone is gay because he still wants to hit golf balls at the gay-straight alliance. Then he breaks up with Chanel because she can’t handle that everyone wants to fuck him.
Meanwhile, Pete breaks into the hall of records on campus, though he breaks the glass window despite impressive spy-like equipment. He finds the file from the infamous 1995 party with the word “Greenwell” written all over it. Suddenly, The Red Devil (the killer) pops up behind him and hits him in the head. When Pete wakes up in the morning, he finds himself tied to a pillar on campus with the words “mind your own business” scrawled across his chest. No one helps him, but later on he and Grace are talking about what happened to him and about the dead sister-new baby cover-up of 1995. Pete strips awkwardly and when Grace goes to get clothes from his closet, she finds The Red Devil costume. Pete says he’s the mascot for the university’s football games, but Grace thinks he’s the killer, especially because he’s the same age the baby would be. Maybe he’s seeking revenge on the current sisters for what happened to his mother years ago? Grace leaves and ends their barely existent relationship.
Somewhere on campus The Chanels are discussing Hell Week when Boone comes up and says that he doesn’t want Chanel Oberlin to tell anyone he’s gay because he’s going to announce himself as a homosexual on his own, and then he’d like to pledge Kappa. Chanel #2 and Chanel #5 are outraged, especially Chanel #5, because Boone will probably steal all the expensive make-up. Chanel Oberlin likes the idea, though, because broadening her gay group of friends will only help her find better wardrobe and make-up people when she’s a world famous news anchor. Chanel #5 is pissed and warns Boone that if he tarnishes Chanel Oberlin’s or Kappa Kappa Tau’s name, “I’ll destroy you.” That night, Officer Hemphill is parked outside the Kappa house with her partner, Shondell. There’s another car parked next to theirs and it’s Grace’s father. She’s about to shoo him away, but GiGi says she’ll handle it. Wes tells GiGi that he feels like Grace is pushing him away, but GiGi assures him that it’s all apart of growing up. After singing “Always” by Bon Jovi like idiots, Wes asks GiGi out on a date. They pull away on their merriment with Cathy Munch watching angrily from the sidewalk.
Inside the Kappa house, Hell Week is still continuing and all the pledges are standing in their underwear with The Chanels writing mean things on their chest while the pledges take shots of mayonnaise. Chanel Oberlin goes upstairs to get white eyeliner so she can properly write on Zayday when she’s attacked by The Red Devil. He tries to throw her out a window, but Chanel fights back and is able to alert people to her distress. True to her word, Officer Hemphill comes running, but decides it would be better if everyone runs for their lives including her. Chanel #5 wants to catch the killer and leads the charge up to Chanel Oberlin’s room where they find the words “SLUTS WILL DIE” written on the wall in blood. Officer Hemphill gets the Hell out of there and makes it back to the patrol car and finds Shondell dead inside with a knife sticking out of her throat. Officer Hemphill kicks her body out of the car before driving away.
Meanwhile, Boone is working out in his dorm room shirtless in red shorts when The Red Devil walks in. He asks, “Should I be scared?” Moments later, Chad and three friends return to get Boone to pick up sluts and find him dead on a table, surrounded by candles in tighty whities with his throat slit. The men scream like little girls. At the Kappa house, Hell Week is almost over and all the pledges need to do is drink Chanel’s dirty bath water. None of the girls want to do it except Hester. Zayday thought they were there to discuss the murders, but Chanel Oberlin says that she’s still convinced it’s Ms. Bean back from the dead despite the fact that she was attacked by a guy in the school mascot outfit. The girls start to turn on each other but Chanel Oberlin has a rare moment of realness and says that they’re all sisters and are in this together, to protect one another and the name of Kappa Kappa Tau. Just then, Officer Hemphill and Chad arrive. Officer Hemphill tells everyone that Shondell was murdered. Chad announces that he’s banged like 50 chicks since breaking up with Chanel Oberlin…and then says Boone is dead, too.
At the morgue, The Red Devil opens the compartment where Boone’s body is being kept. A second later Boone opens his eyes, peels prosthetics off his neck and asks, “What took you so long?”
END OF EPISODE
Kill Count:
Ms. Bean – burned to death by deep fryer grease (episode 1)
Chanel #3 – stabbed in the chest and stabbed in the brain (episode 1)
Deaf Taylor Swift – head taken off by lawnmower (episode 1)
Officer Shondell – stabbed in the throat (episode 2)
