3-Headed Shark Attack, another film from The Asylum, tries desperately to capitalize off the success of the Sharknado franchise by cashing in on the weird subgenre of horror that’s in love with CGI sharks. Unlike most films from The Asylum, I’m pretty positive that this one didn’t get a SyFy Channel premiere, instead heading straight-to-DVD on August 4th. This means I actually had to rent it On Demand to give it a fair review, but whatever – I was in the mood for a crap movie viewing last night anyway. What did I think of this odd creature-feature? Read on to find out.
3-Headed Shark Attack is written by Jacob Cooney and Bill Hanstock with director Christopher Ray, who previously directed 2-Headed Shark Attack in 2012. Cast members include tabloid queen Karrueche Tran, Brad Mills, WWE Superstar Rob Van Dam, Jaason Simmons (“Baywatch”), Danny Trejo (From Dusk Till Dawn, Machete), Jena Sims, Schott Thomas, Rico Ball and Dawn Hamil. The film follows a state of the art research facility located half a mile under water where scientists are studying the negative effects a large trash pile has caused to the surrounding ecosystems. One of the negative effects, a giant three headed great white shark, attacks the facility and leaves a small group of researchers stranded on an island. Now they must find a way to safety without becoming shark bait while also helping others trapped in the monster’s path.
The first two things that struck me about 3-Headed Shark Attack were actually positives! First, this feature film has two very long topless scenes and that’ll definitely keep part of the target audience entertained for at least the first ten minutes. Secondly, the cinematography work here is one of the best I’ve seen from The Asylum. No hazy shots, no rough filters, no terrible cut aways and extra long b-roll inserts. Really good work behind the camera, Alexander Yellen. The acting was also great for an Asylum movie, although it’s obvious that the focus was on R&B singer Chris Brown’s ex-girlfriend, Ms. Tran. She’s not going to win any awards for her role here, but she did better than I had expected her to . Honorable mention to Brad Mills, Jena Sims and Danny Trejo as well.
The rest of my comments are not so positive. Not that I should be surprised by a movie called 3-Headed Shark Attack, but this made little to no sense. Everything was kind of laughable, actually. Things that were silly: the first batch of survivors dying in suicide attempts – “No, you’re not going out there…because I am!” Shut up and just wait your turn to die, please. The get away boats that were meant to haul ass never looked like they were going more than ten miles an hour. The shark, though it appears to be the size of several cars, can somehow attack people who are only in water that is waist deep. The shark, though it appears to be the size of several cars, can knock down a steel reinforced aquamarine base, but has a ton of trouble taking down a little party boat. There is tons of gore to behold here, both practical and CGI, but you’ll be too busy laughing at the absurdity of this movie to pay too much attention to it.
All in all, not as bad as I thought it would be, but I still can’t recommend it to anyone outside of the target audience. Final Score: 4.2 out of 10.
