WARNING: As with all of my TV Recaps, this will contain major spoilers for the first episode! Do not read if you’re planning on watching this show for yourself in the future!
The first episode of season one starts with a flashback scene to 1995. An attractive sorority girl pushes her way through a crowded party in a luxurious mansion home to the campus’ lead bitchdom, Kappa Kappa Tau. Her hands are covered in blood and she shows them to three other queen bees, saying,”this isn’t my blood.” The four sorority sisters rush upstairs to one of the bathrooms to find another popular sister has given birth to a child in the bathtub, and she doesn’t look well at all. One of the sisters yells, “holy crap! Who told you that you could have a baby in here tonight?” to which the new mother responds, “I can walk it off if I can get some Gatorade.” Her “friends” proceed to give her shit about having a baby even though she claims that she didn’t know she was expecting. Her “friends” then proceed to give her shit about appearances, claiming there’s no way they can get her out of the house without people seeing. Suddenly, TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’ starts playing and all the queen bees get mad and say that they won’t miss the song for their friend who’s bleeding out and her newborn because “this is my jam!” I mean, not that I can blame them… I’d be hard pressed to miss a song from the best selling girl group of all time. #respect The sisters leave the bathroom to enjoy the song, but when they return the girl in the bathtub is way dead. End flashback.
Fast forward twenty years to 2015 and we meet Kappa Kappa Tau’s head bitch in charge, Chanel Oberlin, played by Emma Roberts of Scream 4 and “American Horror Story: Coven” fame. Incase you didn’t know, she’s the reigning president of the sorority and is an extremely horrible person. One example of her evilness is that she stripped her “best friends” of their real names and re-named them in her likeness. Meet Chanel #2, played by pop singer Ariana Grande; meet Chanel #3, played by Billie Lourd; and meet Chanel #5, played by Abigail Breslin of Signs, Zombieland and Maggie fame. There was a Chanel #4, but she got sick and went home despite Chanel Oberlin’s orders and died in just another case where Oberlin was right about something. The Chanels are straight bitches, obsessed with fashion, popularity and becoming television news anchors. They love Kappa Kappa Tau because “a sorority is the last place in the world where you can choose the people around you.” The Chanels are about to leave for class when we meet Ms. Bean (played by Jan Hoag), the sorority’s maid who suffers a lot of abuse despite being a nice person. Ms. Bean is scrubbing bulimia vomit out of the carpet when Chanel Oberlin displays her innate racism by making the nanny talk like a 1800’s slave. When the abuse is over, Ms. Bean let’s Oberlin know that the School Dean needs to see her.
In the next shot we meet School Dean Cathy Munch played by the one, the only the 2x Golden Globe Winner… Ms. Jamie Lee Curtis. Curtis is sure to be one of the only shining lights in the show and is the only actress qualified to be hailed as a scream queen thanks to her roles in The Fog, Halloween, Prom Night and Terror Train. To begin the “riveting” conversation, Chanel asks the dean, “Are you a lesbian because your last name is munch?” Cathy Munch brushes off the insult and says that she is no longer assistant school dean because her former boss, Dean Renolds, has passed away. Cathy Munch is not too pleased with Kappa Kappa Tau since the sorority is noted for its high levels of alcoholism, drug use, violence, racism and beastiality. To which Chanel replies, “No one forced that goat to get as drunk as it did!” Cathy Munch also reminds Chanel of the sorority’s police investigation last year, when Chanel’s presidential successor Melanie Dorkess nearly died. After tearing Chanel a new asshole and kicking her out of the sorority’s Spring Break plans, Melanie demanded that her sisters spray tan her until she looked like Jada Pinkett Smith. Not too long into the spray tan, Melanie’s skin starts to burn off because someone put hydrochloric acid in the spray gun. Just as Melanie is about to pass out, because her “friends” left her to die, she sees a figure wearing a red devil costume standing in the corner.
Cathy thinks that Chanel was responsible for the assault, seeing how Kappa would be hers with Melanie removed. Chanel reminds Cathy that the matter was settled out of court and the file is closed. Cathy concludes her slander of Kappa’s name by saying that Chanel represents everything wrong with young girls these days and she’s delighted to announce that she’s revoking the sorority’s charter. Chanel is about to go into an epic meltdown when in walks GiGi Caldwell (played by Nasim Pedrad of “Saturday Night Live”), the president of Kappa’s national chapter who looks like she’s been trapped in the 90’s. GiGi counters that Cathy isn’t powerful enough to revoke the charter, that power lies with the board of trustees. With a firm ally in her corner, Chanel leaves the meeting by warning Cathy: Chanel’s father is the largest donor to the university, so it wouldn’t be wise to piss her off. Cathy stands firm in her believes, “Kappa won’t survive the year.” GiGi has her own plan, though, “May I make a suggestion?”
Then we meet the supposed “survivor girl,” the one who will probably face down the killer in the final episode: Grace Gardner (played by Skyler Samuels of “American Horror Story: Freak Show” and “The Nine Lives of Chloe King”). Grace is being driven to campus by her father for the good old fashioned Move In Day. Her father, Wes Gardner (played by Oliver Hudson of Black Christmas and “Nashville”), is being sentimental and reminiscing about the days when Grace was younger, like when he took her to see Twilight in theaters. “Go, Team Edward!” Grace tells her father not to worry, that the campus is one of the safest in the nation and she’ll be surrounded by lots of friends when she joins a sorority. Wes hates the idea and literally begs his daughter not to join a sorority, but Grace is a legacy and this is her chance to follow in her deceased mother’s footsteps. In the quickest scenes ever, Grace moves in, hugs Wes goodbye and meets her roommate Zayday Williams (played by KeKe Palmer of Animal and “True Jackson VP”). Zayday is scared of the bathroom because someone threw up in the sink so they go to the cafeteria instead. Zayday is happy that Grace seems normal and isn’t a religious freak or a cutter. How do you know she’s not a cutter, Zay? You’ve known her for five seconds. Grace invites Zayday to rush Kappa Kappa Tau and with a little manipulation, “It’s a good first step towards becoming president of the United States,” Zayday gives in.
That night, as Grace is walking up to the Kappa sorority house, she sees the figure in the red devil suit stalking her from behind some trees. She tries to follow him, but he disappears. Inside, rush is in full swing and there’s dozens of girls kissing ass in hopes of becoming a pledge. The conversation is suddenly interrupted by Cathy Munch and GiGi Caldwell who inform the room that there will be a new rule enforced this pledge season. From now on Kappa Kappa Tau is required to accept anyone who wants to become a pledge. “If you are enrolled at the university, the door is open to you to pledge.” This causes most of the popular girls to leave and Chanel #5 races up to Chanel Oberlin’s room to tell her what’s going on. The penalty for entering without knocking, Chanel #5 bitchslaps herself before telling her, “You need to come downstairs. Now.” When Chanel Oberlin arrives, there’s only a few girls remaining and they leave a lot to be desired. Meet Hester aka “Neckbrace” (played by Lea Michelle of “Glee”) who smells like hot dog water. Meet Tiffany Something aka “Deaf Taylor Swift” (played by Whitney Meyere). Meet Mac or Butch or Something aka “Predatory Lez” (played by Jeanna Han) who thinks all heterosexual intercourse is rape. And, finally, meet Jennifer (played by Breezy Eslin of “Faking It”) who is a candle vlogger.
The following afternoon Chanel Oberlin is trying to seek comfort from her boyfriend, Chad Radwell (played by Glen Powell) the most popular guy on campus and the president of the Dickie Dollar Scholars. Chad can’t be too concerned with Chanel as he’s enjoying hitting golf balls at hippies with his best friend Boone (played by singer Nick Jonas), although he warns her that she has to stay popular or he won’t be able to date her. Chad is a psychology major and his ego is “super strong,” so he’s not allowed to date “garbage people.” If he takes a garbage girl and makes her popular, then he can date her. He suggests writing that down and sending the idea to Michael Bay, the greatest director of all time. However, he can’t date a girl who was popular and then ceased to be. No one wants to see that movie. Chanel is hurt and says,” I thought you loved me,” with Chad answering, “I’d love you a lot more if other people did, too.” Then he goes back to hitting golf balls at hippies with Boone, but not before crossing swords…erm, golf clubs…with him.
Back at the Kappa Kappa Tau mansion, Ms. Bean is still scrubbing the floors but this time she’s using a Barbie toothbrush as per Chanel Oberlin’s orders. Chanel wants to get rid of the pledges and she needs Ms. Bean’s help and begins luring her in with, “Sororities are for pretty girls only. Like you and me.” She even goes as far as to say that these pledges will usher in a new era of fat chicks and ethnics whose irritable bowels will clog and stain the toiler seats, leaving Ms. Bean with a lot of extra work to do. Chanel and Ms. Bean head to a coffee shop to discuss things further when Chanel chastises the barista, Pete Martinez (played by Diego Boneta of “90210” and “Pretty Little Liars”), for not making her extremely complex coffee fast enough. Chanel’s plan is somewhat simple, she’s going to get in an arguement with Ms. Bean in front of the pledges and burn her face off with the grease in the deep fryer, though obviously the burner will be turned off and won’t actually hurt her. Chanel and Ms. Bean are about to leave when they bump into Grace. Grace has a horribly – and I mean horribly – written scene with Pete where they say Senorita Awesome like fifty times before Pete warns her not to join Kappa. He says Kappa is evil and dangerous and he should know as the school paper’s editor. Chanel confronts him and calls him a sexual offender who was obsessed with her, although he counters that he was a freshman with a crush and Chanel only lead him on so she could embarrass him in front of everyone.
That night The Chanels discover a mural of Chanel Oberlin in Ms. Bean’s bedroom with all the eyes crossed out. The viewer knows that the red devil put it there, but Chanel doesn’t and she goes ballistic. She tells the pledges that the first rule of being a Kappa is that you kick the crap out of anyone who disrespects you. The girls follow Chanel as she confronts Ms. Bean, who she calls a “chubby old Nazi” before dunking her head in the deep fryer. Unsurprisingly, the deep fryer had been turned on by someone and Ms. Bean is seriously injured. After pulling all the burned flesh from her face, Ms. Bean goes into shock and bleeds out on the floor. Chanel seems unconvinced because “you can’t die from getting your face burned off,” but upon kicking Ms. Bean she discovers that the nanny is indeed dead but that she “probably just had a heart attack.” Grace is going to the police since it looks like Chanel murdered Ms. Bean. Chanel flips the script and promises to find all the pledges cool boyfriends and to take them on her Cancun Spring Break plans if they help her cover up Ms. Bean’s death and blame Grace for it should she go public. All the girls side with Chanel and Grace calls her an awful person. Chanel says it’s fine because she’s “rich and pretty, so it doesn’t matter” before she, Grace, The Chanels and the pledges hide Ms. Bean’s body in a meat locker.
Sometime later – not really sure when – Cathy Munch proves she’s not a lesbian by sleeping with one of the professors on campus. Afterwards, she smokes a cigarette in bed and complains about how there’s no feminist movements left in American and everyone wants to be a whore now. The professor tells her that he’s in love with her and she kicks him out and tells him he was god awful in bed. Useless scene, but I love me some Jamie Lee Curtis! Grace is out to dinner with Pete and they decide to join forces to take down Kappa Kappa Tau so Grace can change it back to the way it was when her mother was part of it. The first phase of their plan is to examine Ms. Bean’s dead body, however, upon arrival they discover the body is missing. They hide in the meat locker as Chanel Oberlin and Chad enter to examine the body, too, and they’re equally shocked to find the body has disappeared. Later that evening, Chanel and The Chanels hold an occult-like blood oath ceremony to ensure solidarity. No one knows what the Hell is going on: “Who’s Odin?” “What’s a solstace?” The Chanels don’t want to mix blood because of STD’s but Chanel Oberlin garantees them that they can only get STD’s through dirty toiler seats and sex. Chanel #3 decides she doesn’t want any part of the happenings in Kappa anymore and takes off to pursue her dream of being a network newscaster.
Chanel #3 is in a hurry, packing and trying to leave before anyone can stop her. An ominous text message and a knock at the door and suddenly she’s face to face with the figure in the red devil suit. They text each other back and forth, even dance for a moment, before the red devil texts her again telling her he’s going to kill her now. She texts back, “Wait. Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?” before he stabs her in the upper chest. She falls to the ground, seemingly lifeless, but she wakes up and kicks him into the door. She texts him to stop and, instead of trying to leave out of the window, she crawls to her laptop and starts updating Twitter, literally Live Tweeting her own murder. She’s about to hit send when the red devil stabs her in the head, sending the blade deep into her brain. Chanel #3 appears dead again, but gasps and hits send to update Twitter, before finally dying for real. Moments later Chanel #5 discovers Chanel #3’s dead body and calls the others to the room. Chanel Oberlin has it all figured out, “Clearly Ms. Bean did this! She’s back from the dead and killing us one at a time!” Chanel #5 wants to call the police, but Chanel Oberlin says the police will never believe them. Instead, they have to hide the body later and continue with Hell Week like nothing is going on.
Downstairs, Hell Week is about to begin, but Grace and Zayday say they refuses to let The Chanels haze the pledges. Chanel Oberlin takes Grace to the coffee shop for a little chat. Even though Chanel hates Grace, she’s the only one with sense and she’d like to promote her to Chanel #6. Grace tries to reach Chanel Oberlin, telling her that being the queen of Kappa has made her a miserable human being because of the atmosphere built around negativity. Chanel has a weak moment and says she’s a bitch because her boyfriend doesn’t really love her, her friend’s are fake, and her parent’s didn’t even call her for her birthday. Grace counters by saying that’s all the more reason to change, but Chanel goes within herself again and starts being the bitch we know and somewhat adore. This causes Grace to leave. Back at the mansion, it’s the Sexy Goffer Head Challenge, where the pledges are buried from the neck down in the middle of the yard and are forced to stay the night there. Chanel #2 and Chanel #5 leave to get banana daiquiris and never come back. Around 4:00PM the pledges are awoken by the sound of a lawnmower. They panic when they see the red devil driving across the yard in a ride on lawnmower. He goes right for Deaf Taylor Swift and the lawnmower cuts her head into a million pieces, splattering blood and brains everywhere.
END OF EPISODE
Kill Count:
Ms. Bean – burned to death by deep fryer grease
Chanel #3 – stabbed in the chest and stabbed in the brain
Deaf Taylor Swift – head taken off by lawnmower
